This Little Light Of Mine

“…I’m gonna let it shine.”  I used to love this song as a child.  I would belt out the chorus (the only part I knew) with all my heart.  There’s a simple, small, quiet truth here that I loved.  It was good news & something I already knew as a child.

Funny how in life, we often relearn the same truth.  Somehow through adulthood I had covertly diminished the value of what this little ditty points to.  We all understand intellectually what happens when we ignore our authenticity.  We all know how this feels and the result it yields.  Yet, we overlook this data as we make key choices throughout the day…throughout our life.  At what cost?

I recently read two books simultaneously.  The first is “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown.  The second is “Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom” by John O’Donohue.  The books have not much in common, but ultimately describe the same things.  I found it fascinating and a bit incomplete.  I’d like to explain…

Both speak to the resiliency of the human spirit and to the idea that vulnerability is a necessary part of growth and actualizing your potential.  They both point to awareness as the key…aware of now, aware of who you are, and awareness that who you are is enough.  They both explain how each one of us brings forth something unique and vital.  This something is only actualized through the process of showing up courageously as yourself.

I agree wholeheartedly.  Knowing and believing in our own goodness (and in others) is a powerful thing, and one very crucial bit of info to take with you into your day.  This is a truth that is getting a lot of recognition in communities, businesses, schools, etc.  We all seem to be grasping the concept that having a tight-hold on ourselves and everyone else around us has not worked.  We all seem to be willing to experiment with letting go a little, with trusting…research on efficiency and other result-oriented points has made this a bit more mainstream.  We can now see measurably how authenticity and creating an environment where this thrives is desirable, but we are also left without a simple understanding of how.

I would not dare to touch Brown’s life long research on the human experience.  She is brilliant, hilarious and really on to something.  I also would not attempt to undermine O’Donohue’s spiritual and poetic teachings of all that is mystical about us as humans.  I do, however, dare to add to it.

There’s a story of a Zen monk in Japan.  The emperor, as it goes, had a beautiful vase which fell to the ground and broke.  He had the pieces gathered and called upon the best artist in the land to reconstruct it.  When the 1st artist failed to create something as lovely as the original he paid for it with his life.  As the weeks went on, the emperor called on artists throughout the land, all of whom failed and paid with their lives.  With no artists left, the emperor called on an old monk who lived outside of town.  The monk had his apprentice get the pieces from the broken vase and began working on it in his workshop.  Once completed the monk and his apprentice both thought that is was beautiful.  The emperor agreed and rewarded the monk.  A few months later while cleaning the monk’s workshop, the apprentice was horrified to see some leftover fragments from the vase.  He ran to the monk explaining his discovery.  He wanted to know how the monk had constructed it so beautifully without all of the pieces from the original.  The monk’s reply, “If you do the work that you do from a loving heart, then you will always be able to make something beautiful.”

I share this with you because it points to something profound that this monk knew beyond all the others.  He knew that there was nothing wrong with the other artists, only with the way they thought about the assignment.  Anytime we recreate someone’s vision, we loose a great deal of our own power.  When we think of recreating we are not making room for creativity, invention…our selves!

This is all made clear in the two books referenced above (in fact I found this monk story thanks to Brown).  The thing that I see missing is the role of thought.  The monk knew what to do, because he understood how not to let his fearful thinking cloud his work.  He knew he was enough if only he believed it.  He knew that believing it comes first from creating thoughts that affirm this, and dropping those thoughts that threaten it.  The monk knew that while he had no control over the emperor or anyone else, he had total control of what he put out into the world.  He stepped back into his space and did his thing.

I think it does people a disservice when we explain with such detail why vulnerability and authenticity are crucial without giving them an understanding of how thinking is at the root.  I closed both of these books feeling admiration & respect for the authors.  I know that each has discovered something meaningful and has put forth something worthy of our time.  I see that they explained the unexplainable to the best of their ability & with lovely intentions.

I also know that before I understood the role of thought in my life, I would have closed these books with a good feeling, but not with the clarity to handle life differently.  Understanding how my use of thought colors and creates everything that I experience is the glue that holds these new ideas together.  It makes them useful…and beyond just lovely ideas.  Because I understand my role as the thinker, along with a new respect for my job as a “light shiner”, I can go into my life with a new understanding of vulnerability.  I can keep scary thoughts at bay regarding vulnerability, knowing that vulnerability is beautiful…it’s only my thoughts about it that put me into discomfort.

In short, I see not only how I hold myself back when I hide my light, but I also see clearly how to shine.  Imagine if we all saw this for ourselves instead of just admiring it when we notice it in others.  Here’s to you remembering that your little light is needed in this world.  May you shine brightly and may you dare to drop any thinking that threatens your light!

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Treat me like a snowflake

“Our egos want us to think we’re all snowflakes, no two alike. But really we all want the same things: love, forgiveness… chocolate.”  ~Dr. Hadley

This quote is so simple and hilarious…all the while imparting wisdom behind each word.  It is a beautiful thing to be reminded of our own ability to be judged and to judge.  A lot of growth comes from seeing the innocence in ourselves and others…our connectedness.

Most of the time, I’m able to learn from my brilliant pre-teen clients, as we unravel their week.  I learn about them…I learn about myself & how to be a better mom.  I learn about my own kids & what they need.  I learn about my own mother.

As I sat listening to a client discuss their mother, I could hear a need for individuation…the most natural & age-appropriate thing in the world.  As this client began to loose steam, I listened more.  I began to hear a second message…quieter, but just as powerful.  It was a small voice…the voice of a child, and it said I need quality time with my mom. This young adult wanted to feel loved & wanted to feel heard.

As I responded to this brave soul, I felt struck by how much my client and their mother wanted the same thing.  It was clear how they had each gotten muddled up along the way,  even with the best of intentions.  I began to explain like this…

Your mother, like you, starts from a place of love.  Throughout the day, she puts worried thinking into her mind.  She worries about what may go wrong for you, and her reality begins to change.  The lens she sees life through has shifted.  Now she wants to protect you and she is busy.  She is busy doing and listening to what should be done next.  Her mind has her going & you begin to feel unheard.

You, on the other hand, have not said a peep.  Quiet, but not still.  Your mind, too, has begun to create a story.  In this story your mother plays the part of the mean slave-driver.  Everything she does is out of a need to control (and wreck) your life. Your mind is busy & full of judgement, leaving your mother to feel disrespected.

Now you’re both deep in your own feelings & it gets hard to see clearly or even remember where you started from.  From this place no one can see that you both want the same thing.  The mother wants to feel that her child is doing okay.  She needs this if she is too trust this child with more freedom and responsibility.  The child needs to feel loved and heard so that there is safety to speak up.  This is the only way that the child can begin to ask for what they need as they navigate into their teen years.

This whole process takes trust, but before that it takes listening.  Listening…the most glorious word I’ve learned as a parent!   We must listen…really look at our child and listen!  Patiently and to them only…dropping our own thinking as quick as it comes up, so that we may get back to our child’s words.  This is it…the magic wand parents all look for.  It takes being vulnerable, but we must begin to treat each other delicately…as if we were really all snowflakes.

Our kids see us as we maneuver through difficulties.  If we want to be listened to…If we want to be valid and respected, we must illustrate listening.  The answers are all here anyway…in our children’s words.  If we can create moments where our child feels acknowledged and listened to, all of the other details are solved with more efficiency and grace.

This is true, because when we allow ourselves to smile with our kids, to laugh and play with them, something else happens, too.  We drop our personal thinking and are right in the moment with them.  This opens up some space for our own insights to come through & suddenly we are not lost anymore.

In the story I shared above, both the child and the mother wanted to feel connected.  They needed to enjoy each others company and be able to hear from each other.  There may still be details that they disagree on, and mom will need to set boundaries, but they will have restored the one thing that keeps them strong…their connection.

Being connected with your child is the one and only way to navigate through the stormy seas of parenting.  It is our life preserver and the one thing that always works.  Although, a  little chocolate couldn’t hurt either!

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Kindness In An Unexpected Place

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eye for an instant? “  ~ Henry David Thoreau

This blog did not come to me in an instant.  It has instead been simmering for awhile.  It’s been one of those months that just hasn’t gone my way.  So many things have happened that I would not choose if I were in control of life.

1. I injured my elbow badly playing roller derby, and am one month in on a 3 month rehabilitation process.  I live in a brace and I am suddenly aware of the new effort it takes to keep my head in a positive space.  It would be so easy to feel bad for myself!

2. My sister is moving far away with my niece and nephew…another temptation to feel as if the world is against me.

3. My cat…my furry BFF…just passed away last week.  It was a sudden shock that I was not prepared for.  It just blindsided me and I found myself with new heartache to navigate through.

Yep, it’s been a rough one, but there is a story to tell here.  A story of how remarkable teens and pre-teens are.  A story of their creativity, courage & true empathy.  So often teens get labeled…misunderstood.  This is really our loss, because they are full of wisdom and are very deserving of our respect.  Coincidentally, I spoke to a mother recently who was fascinated by new research, which proves that human beings are most creative and able to produce most effectively between the ages of 11 & 14.  So there you go…scientific evidence of the unique abilities of our youth!  This is powerful, but I’ve always found that we learn more deeply through the sharing of stories.

The story goes like this:  All three issues above had been weighing heavily on my mind.  I had been able to stay aware of my thinking and how it was contributing to my interpretation/experience at any given time.  I was able to see that at times my awareness was minimal as I was unable to see past my sadness in certain moments.  This was okay, because I knew that my thinking and my level of consciousness would rise again naturally…”this too shall pass.”

I also was able at times to quiet down and feel some comfort from a wiser part of me…times like this gave me great insight.  We, for example, painted a pot in honor of our cat and planted a daffodil in it.  It will re-bloom each year as a sweet reminder of our departed kitty.  This idea came to me in a moment of clarity and provided great comfort to each of us.  I’ve been thankful for this wisdom along the way.

However, there were moments when I just allowed myself to feel sad…deep in the muck.  On one moment like this I was headed out in the rain to take down the missing cat signs we had put up around our neighborhood.  Not a task I was looking forward to.  I had set the tone for a perfectly awful experience…hood up, eyes down.  I was purposely not making eye contact or any connections with fellow humans or animals along the way.

I came upon my last post and I waited for all traffic to pass.  I wanted to be alone…in total denial of the connection we all share regardless of what story we try to tell ourselves.  I was quite dedicated to feeling bad.

I noticed a couple middle-school aged boys coming by on their skateboards.  They were loud, in the street & stopping traffic.  In my state of mind, I dismissed them completely.  Surely they would just ignore me.  After all I’m standing in the rain ripping a sign down.  I am grouchy, puffy-eyed, and unapproachable.  In addition, this last sign was really stuck on there good, and with only one usable arm, I was really rippin’ away at it.  I wasn’t aware of anyone else.  Then the sweetest thing happened…

When I turned around I saw that they were coming back to me.  Their braces and retainers were glistening awkwardly out of their smiling mouths.  “Aw”, one of them said, “Did you loose your kitty?’”  The other one followed with “Let us see the picture and we’ll look for him for you.”

At this point I was not able to speak.  Their unexpected kindness had left me so moved that I had a knot the size of an orange in my throat.  I made eye contact with each of them purposely and thanked them for their kindness.  I wanted to hug them and tell them that they had done more for me than they would ever know…they had!  They had reminded me that we are all connected.  Kindness comes in many packages and is here for us.

As they walked away, one yelled out ” We really hope you find him!”.  They had empathized with me…a total stranger…100%.  No questions asked.  What kind of courage does it take to approach a stranger on the street and offer understanding and friendship?  I was, and am, in awe of them.  I am motivated by them.  They are the proof that our teens are here to teach us.  We could learn so much & there is so much to gain by allowing them to be in this role.

I hope this blog makes you see your teen or pre-teen with a little more understanding…a little softer lens.  We are often quick to judge, but then we miss out.  I encourage you to experiment with this…allow yourself to observe this truth in them.  Have fun!

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Just For Me

Usually as I walk around in my corner of the world, I carry with me a love for children…a great respect for them.  Not just for my kids, but for the youth in general.  They carry with them so much faith, listening and a loyalty to what they feel is true.  They are our teachers and the light of our lives, even as they tire us each day. Most of the time, I am patient & give them the attention they deserve…my mind is open to the many subtle gifts they bring.

Being human, though, I do sometimes get in my own way.  I think I know…I listen less.  This is when these sweet children in my life get to surprise me…remind me…snap me back into awareness.  I had just such a surprise recently, and it was a beautiful reminder of how much our youth has figured out.

I sat with a young friend recently and I began to be filled with judgmental thinking.  The thinking did not even feel like my own…I  recognized it as the kind of thinking that I had always rejected.  Societies beliefs that our youth are somehow guilty, lazy, stupid, annoying.  But now, because I was in the thinking, it was mine & I had lost my way.  To say the lease, I was not listening to this friend because I was already convinced that I had a lot to teach on this day.

I was feeling insecure, because it seemed that my efforts to teach previously about Thought,  Consciousness,  Mind…it had all been in vain.  As always, my senses began to find proof of the story I had just written via my thoughts.  My ears heard that my young friend had not shared this new understanding with anyone, not a sole.  In my low-level thinking this seemed to only confirm the fact that he had not been impacted.  The information I had given him had been taken in at an intellectual level & I had mistaken this for a deeper understanding.  Back to square one!

As I began to take over the conversation, I was feeling quite detached and I was saying something that doesn’t even matter.  I should’ve noticed how bad it felt and reminded myself to adjust my thinking, but as it turns out, my Mind had my back before my Thinking knew what hit it!  In an instant I just knew I should make eye contact.  Once I did I realized that I hadn’t even looked at this dear friend of mine for the last ten minutes.

With a shy smile and all the trust in the world…even when I didn’t deserve it…he quietly said, “Right now, it’s just for me.”  Like that…poof, he was the teacher & I the pupil…full of admiration and gratitude.

I instantly heard my mentor’s voice in my head…the only place his voice lives now that he’s passed away.  He would tell me that the “health of the helper” could not be overemphasized.  “You can’t give what you don’t have”, he’d say with a chuckle.  This was always such a relief, because these ideas about my thinking felt slippery at first and I wanted the freedom to explore without eyes on me.  I was without the ability yet to render an explaination of what I was understanding, but it was an incredibly powerful time for me.

And here I was now sitting with someone barely in the double didgits and he was teaching me these lessons again in the most natural way.  I wanted to hug him and cackle out loud with delight, but I didn’t because this moment was “just for me”.  I needed it, and now that my faith was restored in all of the resiliency, power and wisdom we each posess, my focus was back on my friend where it had always belonged.

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Parenting Step One: Get Selfish

This is not a joke!  If you want to be a good parent and provide stability for your child, one good step is to do something for your own well-being. After all, you can’t teach what you don’t know.  In other words, you can’t model healthy living and well-being if you are doing nothing to insure this for yourself.

One of my favorite authors, Jack Pransky, says quite simply that, “The feeling we have at the time, is the environment that our child is living in at that moment.” (Parenting from the Heart, p 6).  And so, as parents if we are not living in some joy…something that makes us thrive, we are not offering this to our children in the most natural way that they learn…through observation.

This is quite a different way to see parenting as opposed to techniques or shortcuts that we apply onto our children.  Instead, I’m suggesting that your teen (or any aged child) will benefit wildly from a personal investment on your part in your own happiness.  It becomes the treatment, then (at least in part) to find what it is that brings you joy, and fit it in!

I’m aware of this on a deeper level as of late, because I recently did something that is both scary and challenging.  It was something I really wanted to do, even though I knew it would be physically challenging and somewhat intimidating.  What happened was that I feel very proud of myself…I’m noticing myself feeling lighter and having more fun in my every day activities.  I am feeling more complete, and both of my kids not only notice, but they are proud and interested.

In short, me taking this leap of faith to follow one of my dreams has lead to immediate benefits for myself and my children.  Because we have this to discuss, I see them from a different vantage point and I’ve become aware of some real teachable moments.  In addition I see that they admire a choice that I’ve made, and this makes them listen differently.

None of these outcomes are things that I could control.  They’re natural consequences to my decision to live in a natural space of well-being…in whatever form that my come in at the time.  Can you see from this angle how much sense it makes to be selfish…to think of yourself.  This feels good and does good, but you must first give yourself permission to do what feels right with the knowledge that following this feeling brings rewards a-plenty!  I double-dog-dare-you to play with this and test it out for yourself.

This Thanksgiving it’s time to be thankful for what you bring to the table just as much as it is a time to be thankful for how much other people enrich your life.  What’s the thing you want to do?  Can you make it a reality?…your kids just might thank you for it!

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Self-Esteem Defined

Wikipedia defines self esteem as, “A term in psychology to reflect a person’s overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth…some would distinguish how self-esteem is what we think about the self.”

Now, this is pretty clear and simple, yet when we suffer from low self-esteem we are overcome by our view of ourselves.  Our feelings have taken on a life of their own, and we cannot remember with any clarity that what we are thinking about ourselves is all that needs to be adjusted.

To me, this feeling of constantly ebbing and flowing between high and low self-esteem is never more palpable than in the teenage years.  Never do I remember feeling more beat up by myself on a regular basis.

The cruel trick is that we all go around looking for our esteem outside of ourselves.  On one day we may receive a compliment that has us soaring, only to come crashing down again.  This is because we have little understanding of our own amazing contribution to our self-esteem!  We have forgotten that self-esteem comes from inside.  Buddha himself imparts this wisdom saying, “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

This is to say that if our feeling of worth comes directly from how we are holding ourselves in our thinking, than our feeling of low self-esteem is as transient as thoughts themselves.  If we are wise enough to recognize that our thoughts about ourselves mean absolutely nothing in terms of fact, and simultaneously everything about our experience of reality, than we will live a life with much more ease and well-being.

Think of what this understanding could do for teens today with all the issues that they face!  What if we were raising our teens to be at the default setting of security, so that when faced with judgement, their natural response would be to question it rather than to believe it?  What if they could all be aware of their own ability to shape their experience through their thinking?  What if everyone remembered the definition of self-esteem in all of its simplicity?  Out teens deserve this and they need it!

“Right now I’m in a time in my life where I am not as happy as I used to be…. I tried having boyfriends to help with my happiness, but it’s only good for a little while. I’m down and it’s getting harder to play it off… I present myself as a real happy girl, but I am not.” ~Unknown Teen Author

 

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Have A Little Faith In Me

The teenage years…usually a time we all remember, and whether we remember it fondly or horrifically, it is always a tumultuous time. This is usually the first time in life that we begin to feel responsibility AND freedom…yin & yang. This is the time that we are practicing how to self-monitor…to use our free-will wisely.

Much of how we learned in order to become the adults we are today comes from trial and error during this phase of life. Now, that’s already a lot, but it all gets complicated by the fact that as teens we all quietly (or not so quietly) deal with the undercurrents of raging hormonal changes during this extraordinary phase of life. The teenage years are truly a magical and challenging time, but the question is, how can we as parents support our children through this ever-important phase of discovery? Can we do more than just hang on tight with two hands?

The answer comes within the courageous act of having faith in your teen…unshaken faith. If we look closely at what begins to happen during the teenage years, we see that social opinion begins to take center stage, while internal judgement begins to work overtime. With so many new responsibilities and opportunities for young adults at this time, how can we expect them to succeed consistently while they’re so busy self sabotaging themselves?

Somehow we forget to teach our kids the most valuable truth…a truth that can armor them through adolescence and beyond. This is the fact that we each have an innate and natural wisdom that we can rely on at all times. It goes everywhere with us and we have as much of it as anyone else. Darlene L. Stewart says it quite simply, “Wisdom is our first intelligence, unconditioned, universal and objective. It isn’t logical by IQ standards. It operates from a higher logic” (1993, p. 36).

Knowing this is key…the key to our very resiliency. If we know that we have this wisdom inside of us, then we can find security within ourselves at any time. An extension of this understanding comes through an understanding of thought. If we are in a state of lots of personal thinking, and if the personal thinking is counterproductive to our well being, our wisdom becomes muffled. We begin to feel insecure, confused, hopeless. These feelings pull us further and further away from productivity, creativity, self-esteem, etc.

This is where you come in as a parent…right at the time when your teen has started to believe the truthiness of their thinking. Right when the catastrophizing begins to take over their perspective of reality. This is when your faith steps in as the perfect distraction…the much needed reset button to the faulty usage of your teens thinking.

Because you know that wisdom is automagically there when compulsive thinking is dropped, you can help point your teen towards alleviation. The faith you have in their ability and in their internal resilience will be something they can feel…something contagious. Perhaps next time you see your teen spinning their wheels…getting lost in their thinking, you’ll find a way to distract them from themselves so that they can reset. This is so different from talking it out with them, micro-managing, judging, etc.

Stewart (1993, p. 36) makes the comparison that optimal performance is like running, in that it is easier to run fast when you are relaxed. This is true for our teens and their ability to thrive. They can do their best and manage their life when they can relax. Your faith in them is like a good pair of running shoes, leaving them well equipped for the race. At times when they have lost faith in themselves you can remind them. This opens them up for just a second…just long enough for their wisdom to surface. Now they’re back on flow, and you..well you, got an opportunity to believe in them and promote security. You got to show them the way back to themselves.

Your teen’s wisdom is already buoyant, but you as a parent have the beautiful job of reminding them of all that they are at times when they forget. Faith is no small gift, but it should be offered as much as possible!

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The Cat Years

I’ve heard it said before, that teens are in their “cat years” (Adair Lara, 1996). This is the time in life when our loyal and loving children, who used to be more like dogs, become distant and and indifferent young adults…or cats. Everything that worked before for us as parents, does not work anymore. In fact, it produces the exact opposite result! We must have faith in our young adults at this time. We must have faith in ourselves at this time. We must leave the door open and let them come to us.

But this is not what happens a lot of the time. We, as parents, often had our own reckless and/or tumultuous teenage period. We may remember it with shock and horror now that we are “the parent”. And so, already, we are approaching this with our own personal thinking. This allows us to listen less to our teens, and more to our insecure thinking. All of a sudden these natural changes that are happening in our teen become a personal issue clouded with guilt, fear, and often a need to control.

Think about how a cat might respond to someone who is guilty, distracted, afraid, and trying to be in control. Hence, the number of households in crisis during the teenage years! I, myself, remember the period between 5th grade and senior year being a long, hard road. This is perhaps why I love to work with this population so much. It is such and important period of life in terms of development and life choices. Yet it is also complex, because as a teen you are seeking independence, but at the same time, you need to feel the support and admiration of your parents in some way.

The “cat years” are the time for us, as parents, to become very good listeners, and in touch with our own confidence. It is a time for us to rest assured (the opposite of panic and fear) that we have the wisdom inside of us to handle this change with love and even grace! If you listen closely to your teen, while keeping your own thinking at bay, you will hear that your loyal dog is still in there. If you listen carefully, you will be aware of what they need and you’ll know how to offer it. Let’s be the parents we wanted when we were full of hormone surges and knew it all!

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